Five: Renewal

Gratitude road shotgun alongside grief today.  Today is Easter and Easter is my favorite holiday.  Not for any religious reason but as a celebration of life's most impressive sleight of hand, transforming barren landscapes into verdant bounty with mystifying diversity.  As a mom Easter mornings have meant eighteen magical years of treasure baskets, celebration and colored eggs.  But this year I awoke with a heavy chest and a tight throat. I chalked it up to indigestion but as the morning wore on I came to recognize the familiar signs of grief. The house was quiet. My youngest was traveling with his dad and my eldest is no longer living at home.

I know that children grow up and mamas have to let them go, but my boys and I have woven magical moments throughout the fabric of our lives.  Their youthful buoyancy filled the vacuum of holiday loneliness left by my diasporic, dysfunctional family. With my boys around I wasn't preoccupied with my lack of a place at some family table, awaiting my arrival.  But today, for the first Easter morning in eighteen years, my kids weren't here.  So I did what any reasonable person would.  I cried my eyes out, talked to my man for awhile than employed a bit of reasonable self talk and lovingly, pulled myself up by the proverbial bootstraps.

Next I decided it was time to take a good look around.  I looked at the sky where thunderclouds whispered rain to the greening earth below.  I looked at the love in my partners eyes who chose to linger in the kitchen beside me rather than practice his putting for an upcoming game.  The phone rang and I was serenaded with "Happy Easter" by my sons, one call at a time.

I took a deep breath amidst a fast emptying nest and my heart warmed.  There's no way to hold back time and there's no honest way to bottle grief.  There's only living.  Genuine and honest.  Day by Day.  And that in itself is cause for gratitude.
Wishing all of you a grateful easter.